In Quietness and Solitude

O God, You are my God;
Early will I seek You;

My soul thirsts for You;

My flesh longs for You

in a dry and thirsty land 

where there is no water.
- Psalms 63:1

Music of the moment: Love Enough by Hillsongs
Snack of the moment: Muesli cereal with fresh peach in cold milk
Table scape: Camera, empty communion cup, pencil sharpener, 5 Euro note.

Most of the time when I keep silent on my blogsphere, it's because the going has gotten tough beyond comprehension.  During periods like this, I am constantly fraught with the guilt of not connecting with you all, but also the larger question of transparency.  This is, after all, a ride I am taking you on with me.  Do I stay honest and continue talking?  Or should I exercise some sense of self-censorship, since, after all, this is a public domain? Usually I err on the side of silence--mostly because the act of speaking, for me, gives weight, voice and authority to whatever I am battling with.  To speak, is to give that problem presidence.

Words are powerful things.  They connote thought, which lead to actions.  And actions repeated, lead to lifestyles which consistently describe our self-identities.  Have you ever realised that even in conversations with friends, the loudest and clearest voice we hear, is our own?

Think about it.  When was the last time you had a heart to heart conversation with someone?  Which do you remember clearer?  What you said, and the emotional cognition that came with that?  Or what that person said in return, and the corresponding reactions that that person's words had in you?

I believe the voice we remember most, is usually our own.

And to loop back, I guess that's why I keep silent during the tough times.  It's one thing to share and place our problems through lenses of perspective.  But all too often, we forget that death and life are in the power of the tongue, and to speak or (so conveniently!) disparage about our problems, speaks also of a weak, complaining spirit.

The only perspective that has worked, has been going back time and again to God's word, and letting His words take root in my heart, and take control of my thoughts.  It's been getting better, and hopefully I'll be good enough to talk talk talk again soon :)