3-6

I'm starting to hate losing. Yes, I really am. 

And to be clear, it's not about of the state of loss, but because I know I have it in me to be the better player.  To know I am not exploiting it but letting it slide, is what makes me mad.

Three months ago, I would have been relatively apathetic to this happening.  I arrived in Spain with no expectations, no money and no support.  But with the months that have passed, I have come to realise in many ways, we are the captains of our ship.  God graces us with the ability to act with boldness and courage---and even with working and training constraints, the improvements I've been feeling and insights I've been getting into my game have been steady.  The downside though, is that with that steady incline, improvement has also translated into giving off an unhealthy mental odour called expectation and impatience.

And as Capi told me once, expectation is the enemy of us all.

Each time I lose matches or even points I think I should've won, I am eaten up by the overwhelming urge to smash my racquet, yell at myself or even flash my middle finger in the air (the latter of which, I have unceremoniously done recently, and of which is also easily mistaken as an angry flash to my opponent!)

It's definitely not the way to go about things.  I just get so invested in my match sometimes, it's hard to control the adrenaline or the emotions.  My sister reminded me that Rome wasn't built in a day, and so the same should my expectations be in my match.  In tennis, or even sports in general, people always talk controlling the shot, your footwork, controlling your balance or your body positioning.  The emphasis is always physical.  But what about emotional control and conditioning?

Maybe that's what being mentally strong means.  Having a strong mental means you can control your emotions.  And be conditioned to the extent that they (fear, anger, anxiety, worry, anything debilitating) do not control you.  But to keep believing and persevering and working through the frustrations and the anger--until we break through into clear day.

As James Blake wrote in his autobiography, everyday he reminds himself his simple priority.

"Work hard, get better."