So tired, I'd rather read than clean.

Feisty Fatigue
Two mornings ago, I put in my contacts and was surprised to find my vision still blurred.

I blinked.  Squinted.  After a couple of eye drops, the images in front remained a queer, misty fog. 

"Strange," I thought to myself.  "These lenses are new!"

In my morning stupor, I took them out to rinse again----and only a few seconds after, while rubbing them, did I realise I could see clearly without them!

I rushed to the mirror, and to my surprise, found the pale light blue trace of a contact lense still in my eye.

I was so tired last night--- I'd forgotten to take out yesterday's contacts!

Thought of the Day

Picture Credits: Sarah Pang

Tennis is amazing.  It's amazing because it can brings you through a whole roller coaster of emotion, a whole palette of feelings within just one game.  And still, despite the internal emotional extremities it subjects you to, it asks that you betray none of that, on the outside.

Keep everything else in check!  It asks that your hair remains preened, the breathing still, calm.  The gait cool and composed.  If you want to succeed, that is.

Perhaps the only thing that knits the two together, are muscles burning with lactic pain.

But even that, is not seen.

Tennis forces you to have two feet in two different worlds, at once.  One screaming with consciousness, assaulted by a million thoughts.  The other, speaking, thinking nothing of it, at all.  Both feet stand on different plains, but they are asked to keep trudging, moving forward.

It takes a nut load of calm and control to pull off.  That's why it's so difficult.  That's why it's so amazing.

L4, L5---The Healed of the Lord
My lower back has been kissing the backside of pain, recently.

Yesterday on court, feeling a little stiffness, I did a little self-traction on my back.  Propping atop a railing by my arms, I let my feet dangle to relax my back muscles.  The subsequent weight of my legs give great traction to pull and release the tension in the spine.  The process needs patience, true.  But it always works.

This time though, I let my lower back muscles relax a little too much.  So much that when my feet touched the ground, a SHARP pain shot up my spine and ran tickling down my legs.  OUCH!!

It was so painful, my back felt caught in a spasm.  I couldn´t move for half a minute.

When the pain subsided, I continued practice, though at a slower pace.  Fernando, my tutor, got a little aggavated when I told him I felt pain.

"Ostia Sarah!,

--Ostia is Spanish for Shit.  In this context, it means Shit man, Sarah!

"Please take care okay,"  He looked me in the eye, and shook his head slowly, intently.  "We have only two weeks before hard court season starts.  And you have to play one tournament every week before you leave.  If you get injured now,... sinceramente, es un puta mierda."

--it´s sincerely fucked up shit.  Mierda is Spanish also for Shit.  But obviously, it´s a stronger type of.... guano.

(My tutor has an endearing way of swearing.  It´s his way of showing his passion and care for you.  Haha)

But anyway, that pain was yesterday.  It has continued today, and while I can still play, I still feel the pinch when I sit down for long hours, or wake up in the morning.  I don´t think suffering is in God´s will, but God sometimes lets us go through things to experience more of Him.  I really believe that.

As I was walking back after my back-rehab swim session today, God dropped this verse in my heart

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,


---Death in my back.  It´s only a shadow.  Shadows don´t hurt.

I will fear no evil: 


---It´s a heart disposition.

for though art with me;

---Amen, Lord.  You are.

Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.


It was there and then that I just knew.  I don´t have to worry.

"Money's a good reason.  But it's hardly ever the real reason."

--Revolutionary Road.

Heart to Hearts.  Leaning on Jesus....and your Coach
It was raining today.  So much that we clocked only an hour on court the morning.  The rest of the day was spent in simple surrender to tears from heaven.

As with all rainy days, our substitute training schedule always kicks in.  Instead of on court, we alternate our training hours between the gym, the tennis lab and sessions with our sports psychologist. 

The rain always affords respite.  Not just for tired bodies, but for the mind.  Tennis lab sessions means watching match videos and analyzing motions and movement.  It's also always nice catching our coaches off court.

This time round, it was our sports psychology session that gripped me.  We spoke for almost an astounding two hours with our Sports Psychologist---Juan Ribas.  Among the many topics discussed, one thing that really stuck with me, was listening to Fernando, my tutor, talk about trust in the coach-player relationship.

I'm going to replicate the session here in brief notes, to give you guys a peek into the entire session.  Be warned, though---thought process is in note-taking format. 

10th June 2010. 2--3.50pm
Mental Session with Juan, Sports Psychologst; and Fernando, WTA Group Coach.

Warm up: relaxation techniques.  Deep breathing through diaphragm. 

Question poised: "How do you relax?" 

Juan got us to sit against a wall, lean back, close eyes and sink into deep, slow diaphragm breathing.  Focusing on breath and subsequent sensations in the body.

"What do you feel when you are relaxed?"

Two parts:  i) Relaxation through breathing.  ii) Channeling relaxation to addressing a particularly problematic area in your game with a blank/fresh mind.

Responses from group were mental, tactical, emotional obstacles.

E.g. Natasha wants to hit the ball deeper more consistently.

Jezzie to keep it together during tight moments in the match.

Angela: wants to not give up easily once she starts losing.

Vishesh--keeping the fear of losing out during match play.

Me: simply learning how to play with more calm.  Warm up, controls, drills, matches.  In every aspect.

We also stated their corresponding desire of what we wanted to see instead. 

Juan set us to visualize yourself positive, solving, overcoming that problem.  What specific image are you seeing in your mind?

Took time learning how to breathe, learning how to relax.  Is really easier said than done.  Review from most of girls after exercise ii) was themselves "feeling better".

But question:  is feeling better necessarily a good thing?  How much should we go by feelings to address the way we play on court.  // the Bible, how as believers we are not dictated by our feelings but by the Word of God.  How do I transpose that on court?

Pegging your play to your feelings sounds so dangerous.  Is a natural thing to do, but then your play becomes susceptible to what you are feeling that day.  It should be acknowledged, but also independent.  How to push two aspects farther from correlating?

My solution: Aim for calmness instead.  If you can keep calm, regardless of how you are feeling that day, you afford yourself a certain clarity of mind to see what needs to be done. And it's easier that way.

Three Aspects of Visualization
Internal Visualization
Related to how you view yourself.  Self-perception and image.  How you feel about yourself is very much related to do with how you view yourself. 

This naturally comes into play during tough moments in your match.  How, what do you think about yourself?  (How did he say to work on this??)

External Visualization
Very useful for dealing with technical aspects of the game. 

External comes in the form of watching videos, other people play, seeing how a particular stroke is to be executed.

Creative Visualization
A more long term aspect of visualization----it hankers after what you envision for yourself in the future.  Juan kept on using the 5 year concept.  E.g. going by your current internal visualization patterns, do you see where you want to see yourself in 5 years? 

What and where do you see yourself in 5 years?  What type of player do you want to be in 5 years.

Juan kept on reiterating, "You have to see it within, before it can even begin to show on the outside."

Topic of visualization lead to topic of trust and confidence in the coach.  During tournament play, it is natural to feel nervous. 

"If you feel nervous.  She feels nervous too.  If you feel like shit that day, who knows?  Your opponent could be feeling like shit that day too."  ---Fernando.

But the point is to communicate that with your coach.  There's something special about being on tournament.  The air is different.  It's electrifying.  People are charged.  And if this is your first time, there's bound to be jitters.

Even if you feel that way, communicate that with your coach.  He is there to listen. 

"Man, Sarah.  We're not Gods, you know?  We are here to help you."---Juan, when I confessed that sometimes I find it hard to speak to Fernando because I see that he is busy and I feel shy and embarrassed (yes I really do) trying to talk to him (even though I really enjoy doing so).

Fernando also shook his head and said "Well, if it is not a good time, I need also you remind me again that you want to talk to me.!"

I felt embarrassed and shy again.  I will admit this is largely because I respect them so much, I naturally feel like I shouldn't be bothering them, particularly when they are so busy.  And I truly do feel this way.

Fernando's subsequent comment about this, though, surprised me. 

"We feel more....(he struggles to find the word.  pauses, then smiles when he finally does)...useful.  Yes, we feel more useful, when the players want to tell us these (e.g. pre-match anxiety) things.  Being at tournament is not just about getting the court and the balls and the hotel.  It's about more things."---Fernando

"Sometimes when you don't play good, it's because of other things outside the court.  And if you tell your coach, he can understand you better and help you overcome it." --Juan.

"The players are not just numbers.  You can tell in this Academy because even though it is big, everyone knows everyone's name.  We are big, but we work in small groups.  And in our groups, we have the tutor and the players, and is much better when you come and tell us things because we need know.  We want know these things."  ---Fernando.

It was startling and surprising hearing this.  I have always wanted a relationship like this with my coach, but at the same time, have always stopped short, I've realised, simply because of cultural inhibitions.  I've never gotten so close to my coach for all my badminton and tennis years.  The pedestal of respect and propriety has always been of utmost primacy.  It's strange, to think that my coach wants me to tell him how my weekend was, or if something is bothering me.

If anything, it got me walking away thinking, how blessed I am to have the coaches that I do.

Profusely.  The Words Keep Tumbling In
Yes, even in the silence. 

Very often when  I read, I have a habit of taking down sentences that speak to me.  I am a self-professed nerd.  I enjoy reading, and more so, writing and studying verbal gems! 

Yet as with the huff and press of time, work and training, affording those moments of clarity to soak in the words have often become like an ugly battleground.  I have to fight tooth and nail to find them---and it´s not easy. 

Finding time to read comes with its own consequences.  It means seeking solitude amongst the social.  Sitting awkwardly alone in crowded lunch rooms, with your head bent down while everyone elses' is cocked up.  Choosing inward, introspective searches instead of introspective gazes. 

And every night, you can find me falling asleep to a bible verse.  Grabbing what of His voice I can, until that deep, silent slumber hits.

This time, I want to share a few sentences from a book I´m currently reading.   

Love Letters by Paul Gambaccini, is a compilation of letters addressed to seven men Gambaccini has loved deeply throughout his life. 

Gambaccini, a homosexual, started this book in the mid 90s, as a project of protest against prejudices levied against the gay community in the UK.  I picked this book up from the local library on my precious off day, as a sort of intellectual foray into that very community.  I have very few gay friends, and I´ve always wondered at how their lives have always been made further distant from mine by difference of faith and bent. 

Faith in particular.  A verse I read recently in Corinthians (I think...) which spoke clearly against homosexuality.  Still, all my dialogues with friends about homosexuality have still always left me skeptical.  Surely things are not as sinful as they seem---I have heard of so many Jesus-loving homosexuals.  What makes their sexuality so abhorred?  Are they really that different?

That´s why I picked up the book. 

Mind, thoughts, let´s give this a fair chance, without prejudice.  That´s exactly why Gambaccini wrote this.  To give voice to pierce through the confusion.

I´ll share more thoughts and sentences from his book in my next entry.